What is the secret to a long lasting, happy relationship? Psychologists and relationship experts are always scrambling to find the answer to all relationship woes. While we don’t quite have the holy grail of health relationships, researchers have found some amazing tell-tales of a thriving relationship, and not all of them are what you’d expect. So what are three ways to tell if you and your partner are on the right path to lifelong love?
#1 Bickering
Contrary to what some may believe, a “good” relationship isn’t all smiles and flowers. In fact, based on recent research (link is external), a couple who bickers and can resolve a conflict actually has an increased chance of a long lasting relationship than one that does not. It might seem nonsensical, but consider the alternative: couples who don’t bicker hold it in, leading to pent up emotions and more explosive fights. A healthy amount of bickering allows for an open flow of communication between partners, whether it’s the right way to cook dinner or planning date night.
However, according to Dr. John Gottman, well known for his work in marital stability, a key factor in healthy, long lasting relationships is frequent and productive communication (link is external). Research shows that the severity of a couple’s fight is not what makes or breaks their relationship, but the way in which they make up that says it all.Ignoring a fight is one of the worst ways a couple can deal with a disagreement that clearly needs more attention. Being able to openly communicate what the problem is and move forward together will provide for a stronger, more intimate relationship in the future, and can also be an eye opener to how a fight can actually do more good than harm.
#2 Bidding
Gottman is also credited for the idea of “bids for attention.” In a recent article titled, “Masters of Love (link is external),” Emily Smith outlines the basic premise of these “bids,” according to Gottman, and how they play out in a modern day relationship. The bids are classified by a response of either “turning away” or “turning toward” your significant other. For example, if a wife tells her husband something that is interesting or important to her, and he responds with uninterest and nonchalance, he is essentially “turning away.” This type of behavior is detrimental to a relationship and conveys a lack of support and attention. “Turning toward” your significant other during bids for attention creates a commonality, showing that you are both interested. This promotion of conversation and connection can increase the strength and prosperity of a relationship.
#3 Kindness
When it comes down to it though, a long lasting, happy relationship cannot be possible without kindness (from both parties involved). Kindness enhances love in the relationship, while also providing validation, comfort, and understanding to your partner. Active kindness in a relationship provides stability leading to a longer, more satisfying relationship. Again, kindness does not mean never showing anger or annoyance, but it does mean that when we do show these moods, we are careful in the way that we present them to our significant other. As an active member in a relationship, each partner must be aware of each other’s feelings and conscious not to cross any boundaries that could potentially harm the relationship. Being kind may seem like a pretty obvious trait to possess in a relationship, but it is really the actions in which we show our kindness that lead to a healthy, long lasting relationship.
There is no big secret to a lasting relationship. Success comes from mutual effort and genuine interest from both individuals, along with an openness and willingness to see a point of view other than your own. While sharing thoughts and ideas may cause bickering, remember that not all disagreement is bad, and in the end its about how we communicate that can strengthen the bond between you and your partner
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